evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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