i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
