Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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