8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
