after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
