When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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