The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
