1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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