finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
