dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
