TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
