so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
