one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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