Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
