I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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