do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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