Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
