It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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