I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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