Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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