i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
