did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
