so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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