just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I touched a dick in church today
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize