kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
im holly from the hills drunk
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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