So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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