If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
