You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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