Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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