it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
