i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
