I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
