I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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