My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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