Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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