OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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