the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
