I heard we made out
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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