you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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