I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
