i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
