$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
