So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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