After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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