She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
