Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
