mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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