Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
