You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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