just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
